Cholent

Cholent

Well..sort of a mix of things that have been sifting around and stewing on simmer in my brain lately.

I know, I haven't blogged. Sorry, I think I'm back. Not sure.. will know soon enough.

The sounds of the wheels turning in my brain have drowned out any muse that might be musing with me.

Maybe I'm mused out?

Well, no don't really think so.

Think the crazy psychic ex-banker Barry is probably right. I need to go somewhere I love and it will find me.

But where and how and by whose parameters do I choose? My needs, my kids needs... or both.
Do I want them to think this is all their is to life?

I spoke to an old friend this week. She verbalized one of two songs that's been stuck in my head now for weeks..

Freedom's just another word for nothing else to lose... what is the rest of that song huh?

Of course the other song was played on my old piano that I gave to my ex which he needed for "sentimental reasons" (was on the set of All in the Family bizarrely) and is probably still in storage two years after his move north.

Now I am contemplating a move.

Either here... or somewhere else.

And, all my somewheres are North of the Mason-Dixie Line.

And, soon somewhere and someday are going to collide real fast I think.

Life is passing me by and I've been abandoned in the dirt and it ain't the red clay dirt of Calhoun County but the dirt of my own design.

Dusty, dirt.

Not paydirt.

Just dirt.

Mental dirt and too many things to think about.

I have been running a race the last few years and the victory wasn't to win but to stay in the race.

I'm tired of running.

I'm tired of the palm tree outside my window that looked best during Hurricane Frances; dancing wildly in the wind.

I'm tired of hearing people talk about Autumn Leaves and I want to see them for myself. I want to leave..

I hate the birds outside my window. I am a mean, mean, bad girl obviously that doesn't appreciate nature's symphony. It's busier than a Beethoven Symphony and I don't do Beethoven unless I have to..

I walked down to the canal this morning at sunrise. The two hi-rises from Biscayne Landing now frame the view south. Broken pine trees showing their scars and beat up tropical hardwoods still abound. The wooden walking bridge looks more beat up but has served my family well as the children walked across it for years to the nearby Elementary School. There is cheap construction going up everywhere along the canal as people race to add new rooms and fix old houses and repair roof tops before a new hurricane season approaches.

People I know are retiring from jobs. I can't even think on retirement unless I marry a man who is retiring or retired. Maybe I should reconsider golf or fishing just in case... Right, like I would or could retire any time soon.

But, I may get off the merry go round.

I need to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.
My Life.

M for Me
Y for You Aren't In it.

LIFE... for the living.

Okay, make a new list for Sunday morning..

I need a life and someone who wants to share mine... with me.

The kids have gotten older. They are growing up fast.

I moved in here in 1995. It was supposed to be a second chance to start over here with my ex-husband to have a better quality of life than the old broken down mansion I loved on Miami Beach. It was a beautiful, old 1920s rambling house.. mini-mansion that was a mess and harder to take care of than all my kids put together. This house was new, more modern, in good shape and had lots of bedrooms with features that when broken could be fixed by a simple trip to the local Home Depot down the block. When something broke on the old house my ex and I would get in the van, drive over to some salvage place in a bad part of town and hope that someone had recently torn down a 1920s house in Palm Beach and we could find a new window or door or handle for the broken window.

The marriage broke. Almost as soon as getting in this house. The house was in better condition than the marriage it seems.

It was a difficult time for my ex-husband and my children and me, of course.

Just too much to deal with or too many busted dreams or who knows which thing triggered it though a lot of people had their finger in the pot but we won't go there.

Maybe somethings just have a time limit on them... they self-destruct after a certain number of years?

Don't know.
Can't say.
Don't care.

Time to move on..

So...
I have kids who have grown up and moved away and still have a few that are growing.

But, I have ceased to grow even though Aventura and Biscayne Landing have exploded in growth. Well yeah I'm stuck in NMB. Not a great place to be. Not Coral Gables or South Miami or even Key Biscayne....not a place full of history or beautiful architecture. Boring burbs.

I wonder on places I have never seen and worry that I will not be able to support myself in places far away.
I am just afraid. (With good reason)

And, I wonder too much on how someone can get so inside your head and touch you in so many ways and yet be so far away and never here and how of all people I could miss him. This so sucks. He is so not my type and yet I can't resist wondering how he is and worrying on him.

How did my life get so stupidly wierd and I try not to wonder where are the good old days? Where did they go?

I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday... or would I?

Don't know.. can't say... need to go shopping.

Last night I went to Whole Foods with my brother and sister-in-law. A hot date on a Saturday Night there..
And, I bought lavender statice.

I love statice. Sharon calls it a weed. She says it grows wildly in some places up north.
Maybe I should find out where...

Lavender. Not dark, hot purple.. I wondered whether the lavender would be okay? Or too gray or dull or boring... or too soft or too pastel a shade of purple.

know what? It's perfect Matches my tichels from Israel. Matches my mood.

I want to see North Carolina ... Cape Hatteras.

I want to see Santa Fe.

I want to see Portland in the summer and fall... and I want to hear natures call up north and I want to hear the annoying, incessant, sound of my muse, chattering at me making my mind think and my fingers move.

I want to see Brooklyn and I want to see Philly to see what it really is like afterall.

The open road is calling to me and for once this is not a Farrelly fantasy, bathed in buttercup yellow but shades of lavender.

Okay, I'd like to see Nantucket but if I go there... to Martha's Vineyard I will have to go on a bus without Sharon because... she hates it. Go figure, her step-father's parents had a house there... and she hated the house and the whole place. Go figure. Yes, I remember how Linda talked of the Cape when Kennedy died in that plane crash on a foggy night.. I remember more than you want to believe I can forget.

But... there are so many capes to choose from and... they are all calling me lately..

Cape Cod is calling.
Cape May is calling.
Cape Hatteras is calling.

I need money and a method and time to travel. A traveling buddy would be nice too.

Where is my muse today?

Funny.. I know what bizzarely rhymes with...
From a site on songs from Lee Ann Rimes .. I didn't know she sang that song on a CD... and not sure how to spell her name but sure somewhere Lee Ann ryhimes like the librarian that the Reverand fell in love with...
Right song.. wrong person... still it works...

The lyrics go...

Me And Bobby McGee

Busted Flat in Baton Rouge
Waitin for a train when I was feeling nearly
as faded as my jeans
When Bobby Thumbed a diesel down just before it rained
Rode us all the way to New Orleans
When I pulled My harp on out
of my dirty red bandanna
I was playing sad while Bobby sang the blues oh yeah
the windshield wipers slappin time
I was holdin Bobby's hand in Mine
well we sang every song that driver knew
Well Freedoms just another word for nothing left to lose
and nothin it aint nothing and it aint free
yeah feeling good was easy lord when he sang the blues
ya know feeling good was good enough for me
good enough for me and my bobby mcgee
from the Kentucky coal mines
to the california sun
well Bobby shared the secrets of my soul
through all kinds of weather
through everything all we done
well bobby baby kept me from the cold
then one day near Salinas Lord I let him slip away
hes a-looking for that home I hope he finds
and I'll trade all my tomorrows for a single yesterday to be
holding bobby's body next to mine
Well Freedoms just another word for nothing left to lose
and nothin it aint nothing and it aint free no
yeah feeling good was easy lord when he sang the blues
ya know feeling good was good enough for me oooh
good enough for me and my bobby mcgee yeah
impro....etc.

na na na na na na na na na na na hey I said a Bobby McGee Yeah Whoo!