Loss of Illusions.. Loss of innocence

I think what we have been going through is the loss of innocence and the loss of illusions.

Everyone today on some level has looked at this and felt a stab of pain .. "what if something like that..happened to them???" And, for the first time many Americans realized today that something could happen to them.. here in America and the cavalry could not come racing in to save them.. maybe not for days or weeks.

We live in a culture that loves heroes and we see a problem and we expect a hero to come and save us.. help us.. show us the way out. of our suffering and pain.

It is more than we can imagine and yet we keep watching and wondering and with every minute that goes by we get angry and upset and don't know who to blame or where to go to help.

We want to believe this could only happen there but deep down inside of us we know that the thin veneer of what we call civilization can be ripped away in many ways to all of us.

The size and scope of this is so big.. and we wonder what could be worse and yet deep down we all know.. many things could happen like this and could happen to many of us .. or our loved ones.

I lived in LA ..the other LA.. in California far away from here and now in Miami. And, being a lover of earth sciences and far from Canes I studied geology and read up on earthquakes. And, read about all the various scenarios for The Big One.. and the worse case scenarios were the BIG ONE.. hit LA at rush hour.. during the day.. in the wrong spot..

And, I waited in my apartment in West L.A... West Hollywood.. Melrose area for Alicia to come and watch my babies and small children while I went to work. Every day I went to a fancy office, far off near downtown on the famous Wilshire Blvd and worked in a tall building with a beautiful view of McArthur Park far off in the distance. And.. my ex-husband went to a job equally far away from the kids. And...at least once a day when a truck went by down below or the building shook a drop the reality would hit me, rush over me... IF the Big One were to happen I would be miles away in a destroyed city and would have to try and walk home ...highways and infrastructures destroyed, fires burning from gas lines... society broken down. Would Alicia stay there or would she want to grab my baby girl or baby boy and take off for East LA where her child was.. where her family was.. how could I .. would I even find them?
You may think I am a worrier.. maybe I am.. but not as much as some. It wasn't a crazy fantasy to think on.. it was a very possible, real scenario that could happen. Cars unable to drive, buses unable to run.. highways destroyed, fires.. people freaking and crazy and panicking and .. it could happen. It will happen one day..if and when the Big One comes.

For a girl from Miami..this was terrifying. I wasn't terrified of the Quake.. being a weather nut.. an earth science nut I was fascinated everytime the earth moved. But..far away at work.. away from where deep down I suppose I should be..with my kids.. I was nervous.

I'm used to Miami where we know devastation might be headed towards us westbound at 18 mph with winds of 150 mph and somehow.. we can try and prepare. We can at least huddle together in a shelter or sheltered spot and pray and have some small sense of control. You don't have to worry that some book case will fall onto your child's bed or some hanging plant will break lose or you will be miles and miles away and unable to reach your children because suddenly the ground splintered.

That is not why we came back. And, I wasn't oddly the one who wanted to come back. I loved LA.. something there made me feel .. good. But, we did come back.

I didn't live up in the hills so I was less worried about fires.. though the fires took their own toll on my sanity in ways. Nothing like a Santana wind racing down the mountains, frying every flower in its path.. setting fire to the hills and the winds.. sparks flying at winds of 40mph..

Happy to be back in Miami with Hurricanes and the illusion that I can prepare for them.. make my stand, fill my bottles with water, buy supplies, huddle and pray..

Illusions.. they are what holds our sanity together sometimes.

And.. this week we have lost our illusions and we have waited for a hero to come and save us and we have lost our innocence that this is America and this is 2005 and this can't happen here.


......
On a personal note.. been busy. The library solved their power problem and we opened up.

Helped a lady from Kenner today apply for foodstamps and try to find someone she could contact for help... a reminder that even if you aren't watching CNN or FOX ..you can't run away.

I started taking a history class with Dr. Paul George about South Florida History (that covers a lot of geography, geology and hurricanes) and had to go downtown for the class. He is one of the best historians anywhere... in my mind anyway..especially here in Miami and anyone who knows him.. knows that. So pried myself away from hurricanes and 2005 and went downtown to learn some more about Tequestas and Calusas and the Atlantic Coastal Ridge.

I got a package in the mail from a friend.. made me smile.

Thought on the beautiful stars in the desert at night and wondered what it would be like to be in the desert or out on a beach trying to pick out Orion or other constellations.

And.. watched water vapors loop fast and watched a storm growing far out at sea.. near Africa..and I still think it is magical to watch those clouds form into a perfect circle.. structure..spin... and spin.

I love earth sciences.. sue me.

Great song I am listening to.. "all i want in this world.. is you"

Long day.. good day.

Have a really nice new Red Sox notebook to use for my class :)

Read something incredible my older son wrote.. writes well.
Stood on the balcony at Miami Dade College and watched an afternoon thunderstorm move in towards the City and felt the air blow fast through my messy hair... around me..through me.. felt refreshed.

Came home.. took a long, hot shower.. talked to a friend about nothing but Red Sox winning..on a streak and heard the Dolphins lost.

My daughter's friend in the Grove just got his electric back today.. one week after Katrina came through Miami as a Category One storm. One week.

Illusions... blowing in the wind.

Hang in there everyone.. remember to breathe and hang in there..

Bobbi